Hey, uh...
Hey. Listen, everybody.
Listen, we had a real tragedy occur here
At mr. Show this past week.
Yeah, one of our crew members passed away.
His name was ed abrahms, and,
There's a picture of him.
Can we pull in on that, john ?
Pull in...
( Audience laughing )
Yeah, ed was a good guy
And we'd like to take a moment of silence
In honor of him.
So, we'd like to ask everybody to please stand.
Please stand, thank you.
And if everyone could please hold your breath
In honor of him, who cannot breathe.
Psst...
... psst !
Not now.
Hey, you guys need some speakers ?
No, speakers ?
Yeah, man.
I got top quality shit, the works.
Sounds good. Let's do it.
Yeah, my van's right outside, come on.
Come on !
Hi.
Uh, yes, how much are these ?
These are actually on sale this week for $400.
Thank you.
Dudes, check it out.
I know this guy, his name is ron.
Yeah ?
He can hook you up for $400.
Four fuckin' hundred.
We'll take 'em.
Um, yes, we'll take 'em.
Great.
You guys need some tires ?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Well, thank you for shopping at tire town.
Thank you.
It's good.
All right.
Hey, you guys hungry ?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Come on.
You guys want some potatoes ?
Yeah !
Alright, 'cause i know this lady, she's sitting at this table,
She's got a line on some mashed.
Primo stuff, from idaho.
It's the shit, man.
Hook us up.
Alright, no problem.
Hey, mom, could you pass the potatoes, please ?
Sure, dear.
Thanks.
Check it out ! Yeah !
We should get some gravy. Yeah.
Dude, hook us up with some gravy.
No problem, no problem.
Hey mom, umm,
Could you pass the gravy, please ?
That wasn't part of the deal,
You said potatoes.
Check it out, man, you guys, relax.
I'm your go-To guy.
* dum-Doo-Doo-Doo dee-Doo-Doo-Doo *
* dum-Doo-Doo-Doo-Dey
* ba-Do-Do-De-Da-Do-Do
* oh zippity doo-Dah, shippity-Shake *
* look who's got his very first date *
* and if fate dictates
* we'll get naked
* and mate
* you just wait
( Doorbell )
Is my date here yet ?
Am i early ?
John, we didn't really set you up on a blind date.
But i wrote a song.
Look, we just needed everyone here.
We're having an intervention.
You guys don't have to trick me, you're my friends.
Look john, this isn't about you, okay ?
We're here to help david.
( Doorbell )
Oh, now that's him.
Everybody ? Okay.
Hey, guys.
Game's not on yet ?
There's no game, david.
We're here to talk about your problem.
What problem ?
Put down the pretzels so we can talk.
Can i just finish this one first ?
Now i need a beer.
David !
Our problem is that
We all miss our very good friend, david.
Well, he's right here.
He is here, but you buried him
Under layers of disgusting fat.
Guys, look--
We're trying to look, but you block out the light !
See, david, we care about you.
Well, not all of you.
I mean, who could cover that much territory ?
Guys, all right, i'm aware
I've gained a little weight.
Of course you're aware of it,
The space station astronauts are aware of it !
( Bob ) that's a good one.
David, we don't hang out with you
Because of your personality.
It's your gravitational pull !
Oh, there's a zinger !
Jeez, i'm crushed.
Oh, no, no, no ! If you were crushed you'd be thinner !
Oh, that's the topper !
And we have a new king of slams.
What ?
All right, guys, that's enough.
Bob...
I'm not really fat.
John !
Bob, we're just tired
Of the way you run your interventions.
Yeah.
You know, interventions are supposed to be about
Concern and compassion.
Yeah, not about who has the best one-Liner.
But we've had so many laughs.
Ha, laughs !
At the expense of all your friends.
Yeah.
And don't forget, my interventions have helped people.
Or have you guys forgotten
How we helped becky at christmas.
Actually, john, we're not really here
To plan a high society jewel heist.
We're here for an intervention.
You guys don't have to trick me. You're my friends.
Okay, this isn't about you.
Becky has got to stop drinking so much.
I'll say, last week,
Your liver filed a restraining order against you !
Remember ?
And, do you guys remember
How we helped jill two summers ago ?
Alright, i got the cocaine cut.
Whenever you guys are ready !
Hey, john, we're not really here for a coke party,
We're here to help jill.
Godammit !
You guys don't have to trick me, you're my friends !
Okay, right.
That's the last time, i swear it, all right ?
Okay.
But jill...
Jill has got to start washing her vegetables before eating them.
I tell ya', jill's ingested so much soil,
Her stomach ought to be listed in the worm apartment guide.
I'm sorry, it makes total sense.
You have soil, worms live in soil.
Worms would have an apartment guide...
That's not my point.
My point is, we've helped each other.
I mean, we got paul to give up bedwetting.
My interventions have been funny and helpful.
And wait'll you guys catch the intervention
I got planned for next week.
Is he dead ?
Yeah.
Thank god.
Oh, shit, you guys are gonna kill me !
Wow,
This isn't the way we wanted you to find out.
No,
We wanted you to find out by us killing you.
The body ! What ?
My body, it's just sitting there in the future.
You guys gotta get rid of it or you'll all go to jail !
Oh my god, he's right.
Okay, don't panic.
Listen, there's kerosene underneath my shoes
And there's matches inside my socks.
Okay ?
Burn up the body and exit the building out the back.
Alright, let's go !
I got the matches.
Kerosene's here, right where he said it would be.
Oh man, it's all gone !
That guy !
Man, i knew he'd pull some shit.
Here, i brought some lighter fluid ?
Uh, yeah, nice, nice.
( Fire engine sirens )
( Announcer ) and now, from car wash change thief
Action squad headquarters,
Here's zack welch.
Good evening. In 1994,
I was an investigative reporter for a tv station in san diego.
I hid a video camera in the backseat of my car,
And took it to a car wash,
Leaving $2.32 in change on the dash,
To see what would happen.
The change was stolen.
And i was on to the biggest "little" crime of the century.
After three months,
My station manager ordered me to let it go,
So, i quit,
Formed the car wash change thief action squad,
Set up the car wash change thievery hot-Line
And started this show.
Tonight, with the help of the car wash change thief
Buster computer,
The car wash change thief action squad,
And your phone calls,
We'll stop still more car wash workers,
Before they stop you
From having your change
That you left there.
( Emergency siren )
( Zack ) a phone call tipped us off to
The ambassador car wash in l.A.,
And the action squad jumped into the c.W.C.T.A.S.M.A.R.U.:
When we were in the vicinity, we unloaded our dummy car.
Lower, lower...
No, lower !
Down ! No, lower !
This was the car we would rig with a hot video camera
Underneath a sweater in the backseat.
It was decided chuck and lisa
Would take the car and pretend to be a couple on a vacation drive.
All right, let's do this. Let's go.
Then, $2.75 in change was left on the dashboard
As bait, and we were ready to go.
Now, watch on this secret camera, what happens.
Charles and lisa pulled up
And were greeted by julio,
A service man we caught twice before
In a previous sting at the same car wash.
Was he still up to the same tricks ?
Charles asked for a simple wash, no gas,
And walked away.
Would julio take the bait ?
We'll show you what happened right after this message.
( Announcer ) this is the video you can't see on tv.
Car wash change thief action squad,
Too hot for tv !
These are the scenes the censors
Don't want you to see.
The pranks !
Damn, this mother!@#*$ glued it !
With the language you love to hear, but can't.
And the crazy other pranks
That'll make your friends laugh,
And you crack up !
Car wash change thief action squad too hot for tv video...
Order now !
We now return to car wash change thief action squad,
To find out if julio would take that bait.
So, how long, do you think ?
It depends. If it's the part,
You'll have to special order it.
We can't show you the rest of the hidden video,
Because the car wash change thief buster computer is on the fritz.
We, we taped a re-Enactment.
( Stammering )
You did this on your own ?
Yes.
It's just 'cause this thing--
It breaks a lot.
Oh, okay, well, good deal.
Well, chuck, pop that into the video player
And lisa, you stay here and watch this repairman.
Make sure he doesn't steal any lose change.
Let's watch.
( Chuck) after our sting trapped julio,
We asked the manager if we could shoot a re-Enactment.
For a small fee, he agreed.
Great. I'll play julio.
( Lisa ) we agreed chuck would portray julio, the thief.
I would play the same part i played,
But we didn't have time to hire an actor to play chuck.
We asked the manager if it was okay,
And hired julio, for a small fee,
To play the vacationing husband.
( Lisa ) julio and i placed $2.75 in change on the dash
And we were off.
We pulled up and got out to order the car wash.
Then chuck, as the re-Enactment julio,
Went to work.
Chuck attempted to portray julio's recent crime
But was foiled by julio's even more recent crime.
Julio, in costume as the vacationing husband,
Had stolen the re-Enactment change,
Before chuck, the re-Enactment julio,
Could re-Enact julio's crime.
When we confronted him, julio denied it,
He refused to give us the change back
Or the payment he received for the re-Enactment.
( Chuck ) we were told "that was enough with the shenanigans"
And that "cars needed washing."
( Lisa ) and we were threatened with police action and sponges.
( Manager ) run away, run away.
Until next time, please call us with any information
On car wash change thieves,
Wash your car at home,
And please,
Let's all cut down on prank phone calls.
( Female announcer ) loose change provided by bank bank
Security for loose change provided by
The men's club for allah.
Providing security for boxers,
Secret recipes,
And the insecure.
When you need security,
Look for this symbol of the friendly, scary black men.
The men's club of allah.
( Applause )
Now, brothers,
Please, let's welcome, his high holiness,
The right reverend ralid kalunda.
( Crowd cheering )
Thank you.
Brothers, today we gather to clarify statements
Which i made at a previous rally.
Statements that have been twisted, by the media.
The jew-Run media !
Now, firstly, i stated that korean shop owners are vampires.
Bloodsuckers !
This generous appraisal,
Has been intricately,
Surgically misrepresented as an insult.
Legends speak of the vampire
As a nocturnal creature,
Whose image is not seen in mirrors.
So far, so good.
Now likewise,
Those who own shops often find
That they have to work long hours,
And late into the night, and as a result,
Do not have time to reflect,
Upon their accomplishments.
Smoke screen !
Let us move on.
Last week, i called for the beheading of all white women.
I just work here.
The beehive hairdo,
Listen, the beehive hairdo
Was a popular style back in the 50s and 60s.
It was a simple creation
Which quietly flattered, while elongating the figure.
Where ya' going with this one ?
Now i was merely suggesting
That white women put their hair on their heads
In a beehive, or
"Bee-Head" themselves.
Let's move on.
That is all.
But in order that my words are not
Misinterpreted again,
I've simplified my message to the simple phrase,
"Be kind, rewind."
Be kind, rewind !
It's a simple gesture.
When you rent a video from a store,
Remember to rewind it before returning it !
That's it, that's why we're here today !
Leave your name and number after the beep, hmmm.
Now, let's rewind that statement, hmm ?
Break it down.
To be kind is to be friendly,
But more than that, to help.
Who needs help ? Society needs help.
Crime is rampant in the streets.
Crime occurs where something valuable is.
There's something valuable here in washington.
The mother of pearl diamond is being shown right here
At the gotham museum of valuable items.
Holy hebrews, reverend !
Hold on, young boy.
Let's look at the word, rewind.
Rewinding takes us back.
Who takes us back ?
King tut !
King tut is in jail, my boisterous boy wonder.
Rewind...
Re-Wind ?
Who fights the wind ?
The windbreaker ! Precisely !
Let's ride, my young friend.
( Parody of batman theme song )
Reverend kalunda !
That's right, windbreaker.
And now it's time for you to blow away.
Let's get 'em !
( Garry ) i remember the first time i ever noticed it.
Show me that attitude. That's it.
( Interviewer ) so, have you ever done nude modeling before ?
You mean with the ding-Dong and the hoo-Ha ?
Yeah, plenty.
Oh, you're making me happy.
Oh, yeah, that's it !
Yes, you are a magical being.
You're getting me excited,
That's not supposed to happen.
Now open those legs for me, wider !
Wider !
Whoa, not that wide, kid !
( Garry ) fuck yeah, that wide !
That part of his body has more personality
Than his whole face !
But garry, we can already see his bing-Bong,
And his flabby-Habby-Babby.
I'm not talking about his cock and his ass, you imbecile !
I want that !
The taint.
It's beautiful.
That's what people want.
( Hayward ) garry flank didn't get where he is
By sticking to convention.
I always knew he'd make something out of himself.
Because he thinks different.
He didn't care about the wing-Ding or the:
( Whistling )
Nobody was showing what was in between.
That's why he started taint magazine.
Other people must have liked it, too,
Because it sold by the hundreds.
Pretty soon there were plenty of imitators
Flooding the market,
But garry kept ahead of them all.
Pretty soon, garry had it all:
Money, fame and money.
Plus, he was also famous.
Hey, this is it, welcome to taint mansion.
This is where it all happens.
( Video game beeping )
How ya doing, sweetheart ?
Want any aspirin ?
Want to make a phone call ?
Can if you want.
Hey, all right.
Have some more ice.
Yeah, these are the days, people !
These are the party days !
( Psychedelic rock music playing )
( Music stops )
Garry, more popcorn !
This is our latest discovery, max packer.
He's got something quite special.
I got a five-Inch taint.
It's insane, this guy's taint.
And this is the kid, the original, theo.
He was on the cover of our first issue.
You were also in a couple of my movies, huh ?
See how shy he is ?
Garry !
( Garry ) you know people call it pornography,
But i just call it my bread and butter.
You know, people everywhere
Are masturbating on my bread and butter
And it's delicious.
Let's get the kid high.
Spin, spin, spin !
( Distorted sounds )
( Heart beating )
( Distorted ) look at you, theo !
You're on top of the world !
On top of the world !
( Hayward ) it seemed like nobody could topple garry's empire.
But then, tragedy struck.
He was a pro-Wrestler
Who didn't cotton to garry's liberal ways.
Poor little garry was no match for him.
Dr. Welch, i came as soon as i heard.
I'm sorry, principal dr. Hayward,
But i've got some bad news.
I don't care if his head is in a fuckin' fish bowl,
Just tell me he's alive.
Oh, well then, it's good news.
( Heart monitor beeping )
Cool, we got no problem.
At first, i thought that you were gonna
Really freak out when you saw this.
It defies all medical logic, really.
First time it happened, i was like, huh ?
* ( dream weaver by gary wright playing ) *
* ooh, ooh, dream weaver *
* i believe you can get me through the night *
* ooh, ooh, dream weaver *
* i believe we can reach the mornin' light *
* dream weaver *
Wow, these speakers sound great.
Yeah, i really feel like a dream is being woven.
Yeah.